Dark Memories
by EternallyEC
Summary: What happens when Bella shows Edward how it was for her when he left?


**Disclaimer:** I own nothing but the idea--all Twilight characters and trademarks belong to the incredible Stephanie Meyer and I am making no profit from this!

**Title:** Dark Memories

**Summary:** What happens when Bella shows Edward how it was for her when he left?

**Spoilers:** New Moon & Breaking Dawn

**Author's Note:** Okay, this is my very first Twilight fic ever, so please be gentle with the feedback (but honest)! It was a terrifying idea to get into these characters' heads and it took me a while to get the courage up to do so, so all feedback is much appreciated!

**Dedication****:** To The Mitch Hansen Band! I listened to their song "By You" all through the typing up and finishing of this.

**Special Thanks To:** michelleisdazzled from EBTwilight for reading this over and giving her input! Also to the entire EBT message board for inspiring this.

I was laying in Edwards arms on the bed when he spoke my name in a hesitant voice. "Bella?"

I turned to face him and smiled softly. "Yes?"

With a sigh he gently moved me and shifted into a sitting position. "I need to ask you to show me something."

I looked at him warily as I moved to mirror his position. "I've shown you so much… what more is there?" For some reason I had a bad feeling about this.

He searched my eyes for a moment, probably gauging the concern they held and then he reached for my hand, grasping it firmly. "I want you to show me what it was like when—when I left."

Closing my eyes I sucked in a sharp breath. "Edward," I murmured, ever conscious of his fingers gently caressing my palm as his eyes stayed on my face. "You've heard all about it—and seen it—already… Why do you want to torture yourself?"

"Hearing about it is not the same as truly seeing it." He spoke carefully, weighing each word carefully. "Even seeing it through other's memories isn't quite enough. I want—I need—to see it through your memories… to feel what you felt."

"But _why_ do you need to see it? That was so long ago—why does it matter now?"

I saw the pain in his eyes and the stubborn set in his jaw as he answered. "Bella, how can I ever fully forgive myself for an inflicted wound if I spend an infinite amount of time wondering how deep it runs?"

"Ran," I corrected in a steady voice, using my free hand to gently stroke his cheek. "You really need to see this?"

He nodded, and I sighed in defeat. "It's not pretty," I warned him, mentally preparing myself.

"I know. But I have to know. I'm ready whenever you are, love."

"All right," I answered doubtfully. I really wasn't sure how he was going to react to this—but I never could deny him anything. "You ready?"

He nodded, visibly bracing himself and I pushed my shield away from myself, reaching back into my mind and pulling forth my worst human memories.

I started with the hardest memory—when he had told me that he didn't want me and left me in the woods. I showed him how I had stumbled off the path trying to follow him and ended up hopelessly lost and curled into a ball as my chest seemed to pull itself apart.

I tried to move through the memories quickly without leaving anything out—I never wanted to have to dredge them up again. I showed him how I had tried my best to survive for Charlie, becoming a numb zombie in an attempt to escape the pain he'd caused. I showed him my reawakening and how it had felt when I heard his voice that night in Port Angeles .

Then came the hard part… I showed him how from that night forward the hole in my chest had seemed to be pulling me in two, how I would curl up into a ball just trying to hold myself together… how Jacob had kept me alive and kept the pain away for small amounts of time. I even showed him the cliff diving and the reasons behind it… how I had almost drowned and then realized that Victoria had been nearby. I showed him everything, including how I had considered Jacob as a replacement for him until I had seen Carlisle 's car outside of my house.

And then I showed him the mad dash to Italy, how it had felt when I had finally seen him again and how even though I'd had no idea what to expect from our trip to see the Volturi that I was just happy to be near him again. I even let him feel how desperate I'd been to keep him with me even though I still was under the impression that he didn't want me.

Finally I showed him my epiphany, the first time that I had truly accepted the truth—that he loved me and that he was truly bound to me forever, just as I was bound to him. Then, exhausted and nervous about what I would find I let my shield drop back into place.

Edward's eyes were squeezed tightly shut and his hands were clutched into fists at his side. "Bella—"

"Shh." I knelt beside him, taking his fist into my hand and gently caressing his face with my other hand. "You don't have to say a word. All that matters is that we are together and happy. Edward—"

He held up his free hand to stop me. "Give me a moment, please." He pinched the bridge of his nose and exhaled slowly.

I watched him silently, wondering how much my little show-and-tell had cost Edward. Guilt washed over me and I put my face in my hands. I would have cried had it been possible.

After an undeterminable amount of time my hands were pulled away from my face and then I was in his arms, his face buried in my hair. "Bella," he murmured before leaning back and brushing my hair out of my face. He framed my face with his hands and stared deeply into my eyes.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, seeing how much pain there was in them.

"You're sorry?" he asked in surprise, gently rubbing my cheek with his thumb. "What do _you_ have to be sorry about?"

I wrapped my arms around his neck, never taking my eyes from his. "For hurting you just now," I whispered. "I never want to do that again."

He sighed and let out a bitter laugh. "I might've known. Only you could show me memories of the worst time in your life, a time that I caused, and still worry about my pain. Becoming a vampire certainly didn't affect your strangeness." His words might have stung if they hadn't have been accompanied by my favorite crooked smile.

I smiled weakly and tangled my fingers in his hair. "Well, you love me so what does that say about you?" I joked.

He laughed and then his face grew serious again. "To be serious for a moment… Bella, I am so ashamed that I put you through that ordeal. I pledge to spend every moment of our lives making up for it."

"Edward, you've already made up for it. Don't you see that? I have everything that I've ever wanted—even some things I didn't realize that I did," I amended, thinking of Renesmee sleeping in the other room.

He smiled and leaned in to kiss me. "We have a perfect life," he whispered. "But I still don't understand how you were able to get past what I put you through."

I rolled my eyes. "Edward, _stop_. There was never anything to get past—as soon as I saw your face in Italy I knew that I would never stop loving you and that I could forgive you anything. It's as simple as that."

"You are amazing," he whispered, and I smiled when I saw the peace settle back into his eyes.

"I try," I joked. "Now I think that you should kiss me… I have some memories floating around in my head that I would like to replace with new ones."

He grinned and pulled me closer. "Your wish is my command," he whispered before pressing his lips to mine.

FIN


End file.
